Day 20 - The Struggle

Its usually about now in my weight loss journey that I fail. I WONT this time, I wont get bored and venture off to eating crappy again. I Just CANT and just WONT! I can say this after a night of bad choices. Dinner was a good choice, chicken and veggie soup, 1 small cornbread. Then life group, had 2 mini donuts (my dessert just didn't turn out right). Not so shabby right? THEN I went with my sisters to Chili's for a drink. I had planned on the margarita so that I am not beating myself up about, but the chips and salsa and bean dip. I DIDN'T plan for that. I got there saw it and my heart sang. mmm how I love thee. I didn't once stop and think of how I would feel after I ate it, the feelings of discouragement, the sick feeling in my stomach, the failure when I woke up and saw what the salt did to the scale. I guess that just proves something which I already knew. I have a long road ahead, not just the weight I have to lose, but the strength, determination, the willingness to say NO. I can eat chips and salsa again. Just not NOW, not with 60lbs to lose! I need to not put myself in situations that have these temptations that I am not yet strong enough to resist.

I have been dying to try this chocolate dessert. I have had the recipe for ages, so I finally made it the other night. I like to add new things to my business menu as often as I can. It tasted gooood, but then after I chilled it over night like it said, it was off looking. Weird texture and odd color (chocolate looked gray) So scrapped that and threw the recipe away.

Its funny..I have 2 blogs, one I am writing my weight loss struggles on and the other is my dessert business where I write of all things I bake. Quite the opposite!

Food intake:
B: oatmeal, coffee with ff creamer
L: half pb&J, cheese stick
S: applesauce
D: bowl of chicken chile soup, one cornbread muffin
S: 2 donuts
S: chips, salsa, bean dip, margarita

Day 19

First why is it sooo hard to think of a catch blog title, maybe I just need to go to counting the days.

Watched Biggest Loser last night. It makes me so mad that those two brothers gained NINE lbs each. I mean WHO does that on that show. It makes me sad to know there are 2 other people out there that are heavy and could have had the opportunity they are pissing away. I HOPE the brother that stayed kicks butt and proves he wants to be there. At least the other one went home and continued to lose some weight. I am rooting for Courtney. She has a ways to go, but seeing that she lost 100lbs before she even came to the show on her own is inspiring!

I was up at 5:30 am with the littlest kid, then the biggest kid got up around 5:50 (30 mins early) so I stayed up. I actually feel LESS tired than I have all week. So not sure if its the wake up time, my eating better or all the water I have been drinking. Yesterday I didn't make it to 106oz. I will try again today!! Questions for you all: When counting your water intake, do you count water used in your coffee?

I had another good eating day. Dinner still lacked, but our plans changed last minute so I had to make do.

B: Oatmeal, coffee with ff creamer
S: cheese stick
L: Smart One
S: Apple (I do not like fruit, this was a stretch, but I know I need to eat SOME)
D: 2 tortillas, 3/4 cup of cheese, Diet A&W
1 bite of a chocolate dessert I made for life grp tonight. It was heavenly, but I felt good with just one bite!
Water:70 ish oz

Day 18

Yesterday I accomplished my 1st really great day in ages!

b:oatmeal, coffee with 1tbp ff creamer
L: smart one
S: apple sauce
S: string cheese
D: bowl of cherrios

now I know dinner was not the best thing I could have chosen, but hubby is sick so we just had whatever sounded good to everyone.

tonights dinner is much healthier and has a lot of veggies. I read on Prior Fat Girl yesterday one of the speakers at her event Sat said we should be drinking half of our body weight in water everyday. WOW thats 106oz a day of water. I might drown, but I am going to give it a shot today and see how close I can get.

Some fun

Karla over Determined Dancer gave at me a blog award!! So fun! Thanks a bunch!

Now, the rules of this award are to:
1. Post and link back to the person who awarded you this award

2. Share 7 things about yourself

3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers (or as many as you can)

4. Contact these bloggers and tell them they’ve won!

Heather (glad to see your back)

Wendy

7 things about myself:

1. I love to bake and have my own business
2. I love to scrapbook
3. I am married to a youth pastor
4. I am an accountant (snore)
5. I have 2 cats
6. I hate most fruit
7. I dont like snow either!

Day 17

And I only say yucky because it seems we are one of the few companies actually at work today :( My weekend was good, not excellent, but good. I had a date night with my hubby on Sat. We had dinner at Texas Roadhouse and saw True Grit. So a little appetizer that I shouldn't really have had and a little too much popcorn at the movie. It was a much needed night out for me and hubs. We don't get to spend too much alone time...you know with 3 kids 5 and under 4 jobs between the 2 of us, we are still super busy all the time! Its hard to believe my "little" girl (she is 5) is reading and writing sentences and that my youngest is already 8 months old.

My weight was down again, but this seems to be the weight that I get to and get off track. BUT not this time! I have a great lunch today, good dinner all planned out. Tonight I am going to make a great green chile chicken soup so I can have that for dinner and a few lunches this week. I wrote down all my meals for the week before I went shopping. I did buy some snacks for the kids and hubby, but made sure to get all the stuff I DON'T like even on a bad bingey feeling moment I WONT reach for bbq chips or cheese its. GAG! My two biggest problems are my water intake and working out so I am going to focus on those ALOT this week!

Day 14 - I am more powerful than my tastebuds!

I weighed this morning and was 213.6, that's a good loss for the week. My official day is tomorrow. I made it Saturdays because before I would weigh in on Friday morning, then eat like a BEAST all day knowing I had 6 days to get back on track. Silly things we do in our heads!!

Well its Friday. THANK THE LORD! Its been a long week. Work is slow, no one is busy, making the days drag on. Thankful I have a job for sure though. Its amazing how boredom can cause one to eat. I am trying to talk myself through cravings. Asking myself when I ate last, what I ate, should I be hungry, am I just thirsty, bored? I say it helps about half the time, but its slowly helping me to realize that most of the time I WANT to eat, I am not even hungry. Most of the time bored or have made it part of my routine (popcorn while watching tv after dinner!)

I am reading the book Made to Crave. If any of you are reading I would love to hear your thoughts on it, if your not, check it out. ITS AMAZING! She gives you lots of ways to help battle the weak moments and tons of scripture to repeat to yourself to get through. Lysa TerKeurst (author of Made to Crave) was on a local radio station today and had said "I am more powerful than my taste buds!". So true!! She was talking about grabbing for a brownie, saying ok, my hips don't need this, my butt doesn't need this, my stomach isn't hungry for this, so it has to be my taste buds. My tiny little taste buds...I am definitely more powerful than they are!

I have started weighing in each week with a group of ladies from church. Every Saturday morning, we meet, pay 1$ (for the biggest loser to win every few months) and weigh in. Then we chat about our weeks, what helped us, any recipes we might have to share etc. We were going good before Christmas and took a few weeks off due to the chaos of peoples schedules. Tomorrow we are back on, I know I am going to show a gain from the last weigh in we had, probably a lb or so. But I know I have done better in the past few weeks than I have in a while, so I will take the gain and move on!

Heard a great quote this morning from "I am more powerful than my taste buds"!

Day 12 - Finish

Finish: that is my word for the year 2011. If any of you listen to KLOVE, the do a thing each year where they pick words that will be with you all year. A word of a struggle, an addition, a goal, a vision etc. This year I chose FINISH. I chose this word because I take on many things and NEVER finish them all.

As I went back and re-read all of my blog entries, I was saddened by them. How many times I have stopped and started this losing weight thing. How many times I have lost the same pounds. How many times I have cried over being fat. I don’t want to be sad anymore. I am beautiful! I deserve to be healthy! My husband and kids deserve a better me. A me that is strong, healthy and full of love for myself.

The end of the year I just coasted, putting off the weight loss thing because I was too busy with the kids, to busy with work, my business, husband, church….etc etc….. Sad excuses to not put me first even if for only a little bit each day.

Since the 1st of the year I have been more conscience of what I am eating, but still not working out. I had hit my highest weight ever and almost the highest weight I have ever been pregnant. So many words came to my mind: shame, disgust, pathetic, sad. I had to STOP myself from wallowing in the fat pity and use it to fuel the fire!

I need to let the words thin, love, happy, proud be the words I want to use to describe myself not the ones above.

It didn’t hit me hard until this morning when I put on a size 2X shirt and a pair of maternity pants because the few things I have that fit were dirty. I am wearing a size 18 pants right now. I stared in the mirror thinking REALLY, this is not ok! So instead of coasting through another year of being miserable and just barely living, I am going to do it this time. REALLY do it. I know it will be HARD, but I have too.

This post by Lyn at Escape from Obesity hit home for me.