I feel like I cant get anything accomplished. Its a chore to do anything around my house, cooking, cleaning, even things I love doing. (baking, scrapbooking, running)
I have gotten several cards in the mail from family and friends. I cant even have them in my house, I thew them out as soon as I read them, the reminder of this in my house all the time is to much for me. Now I am kicking myself for not saving them somewhere out of site.
Its like on top of the emotional mess I am dealing with, we are broke, one income (mine), struggling each month to make ends meet and me feeling like the only one with a sense of urgency.
One of my brothers was written out of my moms will (owed my mom money and a bunch of other weird drama), the other brother seems to be in such a hurry to sort all of that stuff out. I mean my mom had hardly anything. A bit of money in the bank (like a few thousand dollars), an older car, and a ton of jewelry. In her will we both get half, with all her jewelry she left me a note that it was all mine. He is in another state so hasn't seen that note, but I don't care, I am fine splitting it with him, but I hate the feeling of being rushed to do it. He wants me to carry all the jewelry with me to Colorado next week for the funeral, so we can go have it appraised together and split it up. Whatever its not that important to me and maybe he needs to settle these affairs to have some closure for himself.I am surprised at which of my friends and family are the most concerned with how I am feeling and which are not. I'm putting on my "brave" face....which is how I roll.
I'm surprised at how unemotional I have been with all of this. Don't get me wrong I have cried, sobbed to the point of not being able to breathe. But by nature I am a crier....at movies, cards, my kids etc. So I guess I always envisioned this time for me being much more emotional. Maybe it will come, maybe at the memorial service, maybe when I stand in the jewelry store asking about how much her stuff is worth, maybe when my kids do something I know she would love to see or hear, maybe when I cant smell her in her car anymore, maybe when her birthday comes, I just don't know I guess until it all happens.
I cant get focused on my weight loss efforts or my training for my 10K. I NEED to get focused because I only have about 6 weeks left and I am only running 3-4 miles ok at this point.
I need my husband to get off my back about certain things and encourage me for other things. He should understand...his mom is in heaven too.
I appreciate the comments I got on the last short post and thank you Jo for encouraging me to write about it, it does help, I do feel a bit better at least, getting some of this of my heart.
You have not handed me over to the enemy, but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress; my eyes grow weak with sorrow, my soul and my body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish and my years by groaning; my strength fails because of my affliction, and my bones grow weak.
Psalm 31:8-10
7 comments:
Keep your head up sweetie, you are exactly where you need to be. Keep thinking ahead and just manage to do one thing at at time.
You are going through a lot right now, so allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, do not deny your feelings. If you don't feel a certain way, don't worry about it, there is no "one way" to get through a situation.
AND...keep sharing your struggles as you see fit. This blog is your blog, a place to share your thoughts.
**hugs**
HUGS Jen...you know my heart and prayers are here for you. I think writing is an EXCELLENT way to work through your feelings - keep it up!! Hugs and prayers...
So sorry you have to go thru this horrible time! Oh wow! Please take a hug from me, and try to breath and take it one day at a time. The pain will never leave completely but in time it will fade.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with such grief and stress right now. Your focus should be on your emotional state - allow yourself to feel grief. Don't worry about the diet and exercise stuff right now - it will be there when you're ready.
Sorry to hear all of this...hope you some peace soon. praying!!
Wow - so much on your plate right now. I'm praying that God will comfort you!
I was going to respond to this yesterday but stopped. I had a response written out full of "I" and this is about you not me.
Everything you're feeling, experiencing is normal. Finding out which friends are there for you and which are uncomfortable with the circumstances is eye opening, but I firmly believe that sometimes people just have a hard time talking about things because they internalize and put themself in the situation and don't want to think about it. Sometimes it's like the elephant in the middle of the room, they don't know if they should bring it up or not--they don't want to make you sad.
You are going to run through the emotions. Being numb for a long time is normal, then sad, then angry, and sometimes all those hit at the same time.
((((hugs))))
I hurt for you. I liken it to walking or running knee-deep through water. It's hard, it's the hardest thing you have to work through in life. You never get over it, but time helps a lot.
You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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